• Collection: Stillness

    30.5.16

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    I’ve been wracking my brain trying to put my thoughts into words and have you somehow know what’s been going on in my life for the past year and more importantly the past week.

    I had decided to come back to blogging as soon as I was ready but I realized just a few minutes ago that most of you have been with me for a long time, through thick and thin and have celebrated with me my achievements and happy moments - so I couldn’t just sweep this one under the rug and pretend it didn’t happen.

    For over a year my dad suffered from cancer, I won’t tell you all the details but as you could imagine, there’s a reason why people refer to it as a “battle”. Being a continent away from home and not being able to be close to him when he was undergoing surgeries, treatment, memory loss and a million other things, was the biggest, most anxiety-inducing roller coaster I’ve been on in my life. Every call, every message, every email caused a panic attack and it continued to be like that for a year.

    Earlier this year the treatments and surgeries took their toll on my father and they discovered that after a long period of chemo, he still had cancer and was sent back home to spend his last days with his loved ones. In a matter of minutes I got the news that he was suffering from pneumonia and then it sunk in that he was going to pass away before I could even try to be there with him.

    He passed away on Sunday evening. I felt a mix of relief that he wasn’t going to suffer the way he had and a deep pain that my father wasn’t going to be with us any longer, that he wasn’t going to enjoy the company of his wife, children and grandchildren that he loved so much. Weirdly enough, I wanted him to be able to comfort us. I needed my father as he was passing away.

    I realized on Monday that we’d gone through so much and I had been trying to push myself above and beyond my limits, blogging on days when I felt torn inside, obsessing over the quality of work I do for my sponsors, writing a book while feeling physically out of breath from all the emotions running through my body and fighting so hard so that my business didn’t go up in flames while my life felt exactly like that.

    Clearly, I understand I’m not the only person who has gone through this and the only person who will ever go through it, but as I write these words, they feel unreal to me - that I won’t see him again and at the same time, liberating. I hope you understand why I’d battle between telling you and keeping this to myself.

    The fact that you know I’m not a slacker, that I do love what I do, that I do want to continue... and I want to launch that book... and the urge to continue designing beautiful blogs is still alive in me. I needed a moment of stillness, a time of silence I haven't had in a long time. I cannot in any way say I'm "recharged" but there's more calmness withing me.

    I want to be able to get through this and make my father proud. I’m sure this black cloud will lift one day but in the meantime, I thank all of you for being kind and understanding, for still giving me the chance to work with you and for your kind and healing words and prayers.

    Photography: Kristofer Johnsson


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